


If LYB were your boyfriend

by ofsevenseas



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 琅琊榜 | Nirvana in Fire (TV)
Genre: Humor, If X were your Y, Other, Sort of RPF, The Toast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7603807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofsevenseas/pseuds/ofsevenseas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is in part a homage to the If X were You Y series on The Toast (RIP) and in part because I was deeply afraid of checking US election forecasts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If Hu Ge were your boyfriend

If Hu Ge were your boyfriend, you would watch nature documentaries every Tuesday night, and he’d always have tissues ready for the part where the mama arctic fox leaves her kit to fend for himself in the wild to Sir David Attenborough’s masterful narration.

If Hu Ge were your boyfriend, you would find your phone missing when you tried to play Pokemon Go on a sunny afternoon instead of cuddling with the cats and then, later in the evening, open the app to a perfect CP2000 eeveelution. When asked, he would wink and say, “Trade secret.”

If Hu Ge were your boyfriend, you would always be the designated driver on date nights. He would sleepily resist going to bed, and insist on singing the soundtracks from Chinese Paladin into the space between your neck and shoulder, pausing between songs to mumble his affection for you.

If Hu Ge were your boyfriend, you would always have the best limited edition gudetamas on your phone, and they would be accessible across all texting apps and platforms.

If Hu Ge were your boyfriend, the two of you would watch cooking competitions in rapt, ravenous silence, and then order in a truly stupendous amount of Shanghainese dim sum, which he would finish down to the last dumpling.

If Hu Ge were your boyfriend, he would constantly steal the long plastic clips you use to keep your hair out of your face while brushing your teeth. You would have arguments about it, and after a year of stubbornly holding out, you buy extra clips AND teach him how to do a sprout ponytail so his short bangs also stay out of the way. You receive extra footrubs for being a generous, accommodating partner.

If Hu Ge were your boyfriend, he would get you the best birthday presents, like an electric blanket with a kangaroo pouch that also had pockets for your feet, and he would always claim he had “just seen it, you know, in a shop window” instead of having spent hours carefully combing the internet. You know anyway, and give him two slices of birthday cake in return.


	2. If Wang Kai were your boyfriend

If Wang Kai were your boyfriend, your breakfast cart lady would know you by name and have your order ready the moment you arrive. When you leave, she would press a half dozen youtiao and jianbing in your hands, and say, “That boy of yours” while shaking her head, and you would be too busy agreeing with her to eat the extra food.

If Wang Kai were your boyfriend, you would have no sock drawer, nor any socks. It would be okay, though, after that first moment of sublime terror at your incipient socklessness. You would grow used to the strange liberty of feeling every stitch and seam of your shoe lining.

If Wang Kai were your boyfriend, he would insist on wearing couple outfits at least once, on your anniversary karaoke date. It would be yellow and blue and purple, all at the same time, and everyone would compliment you on your clothing. Photos you take during the evening come out glossy and airbrushed, and you both look like supermodels.

If Wang Kai were your boyfriend, you would never miss another figure skating world championship. He would claim that he keeps track of the dates for you, but you both know the truth. Eventually you build up a reputation for uncanny guesses re: choreography because he has impeccable instincts for song choice.

If Wang Kai were your boyfriend he would have Hu Ge and Jin Dong on his speed dial and hang out with them all the time, but you don’t mind at all, because he had looked a little nervous when he first brought it up - and besides which, you have standing dinner dates with Liu Tao and Wang Ou.

If Wang Kai were your boyfriend you would both get lost in every city you visit, but ultimately end up finding a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant in which the food is so delicious you almost wish you couldn’t find your bearings again.

If Wang Kai were your boyfriend you would occasionally tease him about being the prettiest person you both know, and he would rapidly go through a list of his coworkers in an effort to prove you wrong, and then he would nudge the teacup closer to you and mumble something that sounds suspiciously like, “You’re the most beautiful, anyway.”


	3. If Jin Dong were your boyfriend

If Jin Dong were your boyfriend, every day would be the perfect weather to go for a walk along the docks and indulge in a large bowl of gelato at the end of the pier while the sea air swirled gently around your table, as if it too could not bear to part from him.

If Jin Dong were your boyfriend, you would know the entirety of Chang Hen Ge by heart.

If Jin Dong were your boyfriend, no cupboard would be too tall to reach, and no sink pipe too low to repair, though of course he would hand you the necessary tools and salute you. “My saviour,” he would say, as you finished tightening the last bolt with your wrench.

If Jin Dong were your boyfriend your taxes would always be filed, perfectly on time and for far more credits than you had expected.

If Jin Dong were your boyfriend, you would gain an encyclopedic knowledge of Beijing opera, but not be bored by it. You would still not understand a single word they sing, but your father would be gratified to know at least one other person who appreciates the worth of a summer night spent around the tv watching reruns of Butterfly Lovers.

If Jin Dong were your boyfriend, he would take you on a surprise trip to Japan, the entirety of which will be spent at onsen; you will fall asleep on the shinkansen and wake up to a beautifully relaxing shoulder rub and a view of the Japanese coast.

If Jin Dong were your boyfriend, you would go stargazing every fall and stare up into the vastness of space, and he would take your hands in one of his, your fingers intertwined, and point out the constellation markers that mariners used to navigate by, his voice a reassuring, low rumble in your ear.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all a joke, guys. 
> 
> (If only because actually dating Hu Ge would involve 500% more cats and 1000% more cat fur, also small disasters on the regular - he is a Shanghai boy, I will give him that. I valiantly restrained myself from writing an entire post of heavy breathing and perving over Wang Kai's hands and ways to tie him down, and, well. If you were actually dating Jin Dong you would never get out of bed.)


End file.
